I believe I am a hopeful romantic!
I know too many facts and all of the harsh reality around me that I don’t want to be a part of it.
I want to
create my own world of possibilities and abundance.
Does that
make me an imaginative, not ready to comply with the reality and a foolish
person?
It’s true
that I am half of the time fantasizing about everything, nowadays mostly about
the afterlife!
For a person
like me I need constant reality check and it’s not like I don’t get to hear and
see it all the time but how I feel and perceive things has some remarkable
difference than what’s happening around me and this is exactly the cause of my
depression and anxiety.
Nevertheless
I very affirmatively believe that the life in my head is what I can create
around me soon.
Yes, it will take some time but nothing worth
having comes easy in life!
What do I need
to survive is actually some hope and mostly love!
I very foolishly
tried to look for it outside of me all my life, and I will turn 28 this year! Half
of my life is gone. phew!!
Now when I see
myself from a third person’s point of view I genuinely feel that there’s so
much more left in me to explore.
It’s the dilemma
of my life, that I just want to be on my own but I need constant reality check
and I am still unsure if I need that or not!
We live in a
society where we aspire to become independent but the truth is we all are
interdependent we need each other’s support and care to thrive.
I think I am
talking only about myself here!
I see others doing their best on their own, living on their terms, doing what is expected of them not acting like a fool. They are able to support themselves and the people around them which is commendable, even so, I do feel somewhere they are living a very secure and safe life which is definitely paying their bills also they are being able to provide them the respect in the society which they are working very hard to gain.
On the whole I still feel there is something missing in their
lives, the spark in their eyes and their unaccomplished desires. I just see so
many face like that around me they are all grateful and happy but they look too
afraid to me not willing to sacrifice stability with striving to fulfill their
dreams.
I have got nothing
against that mindset, however I do feel that I certainly don’t belong to that
category.
I am willing
to destroy my entire reputation and the prefix attached to my name because I very
strongly feel that the image of mine or any profession cannot define or confine
me.
Oh well it’s
a very tough mental battle! It is indeed a very dangerous territory to be in
especially with a fragile wounded mind like mine as my psychiatrist rightly
pointed out.
I could have
done so much already but first I need to conquer and heal my upset mind.
I do feel
that I am upset from my own self because I genuinely believe I can challenge
the status quo and go all guns blazing against the norm.
I want it
all or nothing at all. That kind of psyche needs a bit of tuning and lots of
training!
From this
point on I become a detached person. I disagree with this ‘Normal safe and
secure way of living a life’. Trust me it’s extremely difficult and painful to
not live like that, because it takes away your pride and your self-respect.
Nonetheless if you keep on living the way everyone is living around you and not
feeling happy or energized and especially having this constant nagging feeling
to end your life as everyday feels like a burden than I guess it’s worth the
risk to annihilate safety and security completely and live the most adventurous
life regularly where you are not living by a rule book given to you handy since
the day you were born on the contrary you are trying to make your own rules or
if I may say so your own little world of infinite possibilities.
Life is a
constant struggle to find balance between overcoming hardships, attachment and distractions
with integrity, perseverance and belief in yourself and the world which you
want to create around you.
I feel I am too attached to my dreams and I am
most definitely detached with the world around me the questions on my mind are
never about the outcome for me, it has always been about the process; what am I
doing? Why am I doing what am I doing? How am I feeling about it? Is it something
which has never been done before? Is it worth the risk? Is it changing me as a
person? Is it pushing me towards my dream?
It’s the most
uncomfortable phase of my life but this discomfort is changing me as an
individual and it’s worthy of my time at this very moment.
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