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Low Self Esteem: Major issue of my life


While sitting to write down this blog after a very long time, makes me reminisce about so many events and incidents that has made me the person that I am today, it’s not that I am not evolving as a human being now, but it’s different in a way because now I am not surrounded by unwanted people, I am with myself only and that is a story in itself!

I remember being seated in one of those renowned preparatory classes, among those elite students, all having dreams of getting an admission in one of the best medical college in the city.

During one of the session, a tutor asked everyone, who lives in a rented house? and I was the only one who raised her hand, in fact I was the only pupil among those rich elite kids around me who used to reach for the session in a three wheeler, and I could see their facial expressions judging me or now I can surely say that I was judging them, and was getting succumb to the inferior complexity that developed in my head at that point of time.

Do you think that stupidity was suppose to bother me at that age, hadn’t that been taught to me or very technically incorporated into my mind back then?

Who knows, right?

Another such incident that took place was when I for the first time dared to bunk my medical school lecture, to hang out with bunch of those ‘elite kids’ just to get an exposure of their high lives and their demeanor, that another twin in my Gemini always wanted to explore life and how does it actually feel to be free, without understanding the meaning of real freedom.

Coming back to the hang out, it was one of my first times with them, and I was this timid and introverted person in the lot, and naturally they all started interrogating me and I became the center of their casual chit chat. I clearly remember telling them that I don’t speak until I become totally comfortable with the surroundings, then they probed about my schooling and as soon as I blurted out this name, I became a joke for them and definitely it took a toll on my personality and my confidence, and then it got repetitive and annoying, and later on things got more complicated and another major story begun.

Coming to the point, low self esteem was always a major issue in my life, it’s not like all bad things happened with me only, I had one stranger friend whom I met back in those days, and that person could actually sense that dearth of self assurance in me but at that point of time I got myself indulged in some other matter so much that I completely forgot about me. Yes you read it right in your head.

My life was all about that one interest other than studies of course, that became an integral part of my being so much so that there was nothing that stimulated me enough, not even myself.

All in all that excessive indulgence in that one interest made me this person who just used to walk, talk and behave like my interest, I was no more myself but this portrayal of ‘how I should be’ and in that process I lost myself fully.

And that one interest to whom I dedicated myself to, out of the blue decided to finally realize that I needed help actually psychological help! And it has been four years since then, anyone with whom I tried to open up to some extent or somehow unknowingly express my anxiousness and sadness, I get the same advice in the end, that I need to consult a therapist.

Well I totally understand the brunt of tolerating a person like me for few hours; ask my family about it? They are literally bearing my anger and frustration for no reason. As for now neither they nor I have any other choice, but until when?

To be truthful, I am dealing with my loneliness, depression, anger and anxiety with my narcissism and pretentiousness externally. And internally I am healing within, with my dreams, desires, silences and lots of self talk.

Honestly it has become too tedious and suffocating now but when I see the other side of it, the hopeful person in me keeps motivating me to sustain that untethered faith in myself and almighty which pushes me to keep going.

That magic which I felt in myself while getting disguised in that indulgence for five significant years of my life, what if I transform that into self indulgence?

Evidently I am on a road to create magic..

Who knows?


Comments

  1. UnknownJuly 29, 2020 at 8:12 AM

    One day you will create magic.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Kanwal Khalid KhimjiJuly 29, 2020 at 10:16 AM

      Thank you for taking the time out to read my blog.
      Really appreciate it! 😊

      Delete

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