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Table for one, forever!

 Imagine entering in a café full of loud noises and smelling an aroma of coffee and other mouth watering desserts!

Back in 2018 while I was working aimlessly to escape from my thoughts and the reality around me, I had became this numb directionless adult who was adult-ing but at the verge of breaking down every night and day trying to compile myself whenever I used to see people around me.

Strangers I could handle! But known faces used to irk me a lot.

It literally felt like one of them might just ask me what’s wrong with me? and me being me would shock them with my elaborated, honest yet interesting response which none of the individuals around me were keen to even talk about (Trust me I have done it several times and the response I have gotten from those people are something like ‘she definitely needs therapy!’ I mean obviously that’s a very touchy and a cliched question to ask someone and we all very casually ask each other almost every day: “How are you doing?”

Nevertheless, I always used to make time for my solo trips to a nearby café and used to sit there for hours alone, while reading a book, sipping on coffee and talking to myself, weeping and sheepishly observing different kind of people around me who apparently used to appear all the same to me and constantly thinking about getting judged by them for being a loner with a book.

I am talking about that time of my life when I was earning a lot or rather running away from myself, and today while typing this blog the entire scenery has changed; I am literally witnessing a sunset in front of me and listening to the calming sound of ocean and yes all alone on a bean bag at one corner of my house.

What does it say about me?

Oh yes! Before I forget, the coffee has been replaced with the scrumptious cardamom tea which I have learnt to make and instead of desserts I am more into desi sweets now!

Solitude, silence and loneliness are considered as somewhat like a very dark depressing time of someone’s life.

At least I used to feel like that but today as I am writing about it I am realizing that No! This is what I had been yearning for all my life.

My mind is like an emergency department of a very busy hospital it’s always full of random thoughts and conversations which has no meaning in reality whatsoever.

I needed to sit with myself to observe and listen to what it is constantly trying to tell me.

To be honest, I just can’t do those mindless chattering and gossiping anymore which brings no value to me I have deliberately isolated myself from that.   

Sometimes I do think that why am I like this? And it’s a good question to ask to oneself once in a while, but the only answer I get is you are what you think so I believe I am an only good company to myself which eventually makes me a loner and a boring personality.

It’s funny because I find the other kind of people really unappealing!

Anyhow, once I was chilling with myself at this famous café where one of the waiters was trying to have a good conversation out of me. It felt that he was feeling bad for me as if my boyfriend had ditched me and went out two timing with the other girlfriend of his (it’s a fact!).

Never mind.

I was not seeking any attention. I believe we all are constantly in need of something. Food, Air, validation, support, a good company and in my case I am in search of myself.

I don’t understand, in this entire journey of trying to become somebody, I lost the touch with my inner self and this path is so complicated that I ended up getting diagnosed with clinical depression!

Ah! That was obvious.

I feel whatever we do in life, whoever we choose to be with, has major impact on our minds. And we always have a choice

I choose to be a loner and a seeker.

Whom would you choose to be with? And what would you choose for yourself?

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